theneedling.com

Today Mayor Katie Wilson announced she’s already fired Seattle’s next police chief after he somehow teargassed Capitol Hill, deleted public records, hired someone to have an affair on the job with, and threatened to fight a reporter all before 9 a.m.

After widespread reports that he isn’t even in the city most of the year because of how frequently he commutes back to his home in Chicago, today SPD Chief Shon Barnes assured Seattle he spends as little time with his wife and kids in the Windy City as possible.

Two days after a tragic shooting that killed three people at Seattle Center, Seattle Police Department officials say confusion and questions continue to swirl around what’s taking Mayor Katie Wilson so long to find the second shooting suspect.

After leaving pet food out on the porch overnight in hopes St. Jimothy soon would be there, one Ballard family woke up this morning to find he not only came but left them presents.

Despite President Trump giving everyone four days to highly anticipate and watch his primetime address Thursday night, the entire nation unfortunately missed the whole thing because Jimothy.

The US Men’s World Cup loss to Belgium was completely ruined Monday night by perfect Seattle summer weather that made it impossible for fans to immediately indulge in any form of genuine self-pity.

“We actually haven’t seen any cases of sailors being lured to their deaths by the hypnotic and enchanting voice of a siren since like 300 BCE,” said UW Anthropologist Rob Telemackus.

After people all over the city couldn’t resist asking once noticing their remarkable resemblance, today Seattle’s Green Lake confirmed there is no relation between its iconically slimy green body of water and the Washington, D.C. Reflecting Pool.

Just as Egyptian and Iranian national soccer team officials had feared when they first learned they would be playing each other at Seattle’s World Cup Pride Match, a man waving a Pride flag like a magic wand accidentally turned both teams gay.

For those OOTL, this is in response to the real-world complaint letter from Bellevue owners

For those OOTL, this is in response to the real-world complaint letter from Bellevue owners

Just four months after Mayor Katie Wilson kicked off her Socialist reign of terror over Seattle with a Seahawks Super Bowl win, today Mayor Zohran Mamdani sent New York City’s sanity off a cliff with the Knicks’ first NBA Championship win in more than half a century.

After years of having absolutely no parking, today Sound Transit’s Mount Baker Station celebrated the opening of its new one-of-a-kind one-stall Park and Ride to a Psychiatrist.

As if Seattle’s crazed socialist mayor hadn’t oppressed the city’s car drivers enough already with new bus-only lanes for her Route 8 stretch limo, today Mayor Katie Wilson reminded everyone that “trains-only” train tracks are for trains only, not cars.

After yet another week of hearing humans ask them to sink billionaire yachts for them, today local orca pods announced they’re getting a little sick and tired of being asked all the time to do humans’ dirty work for them.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg surprised Seattle Tuesday night when the billionaire unexpectedly docked a massive, five-story annual salary of 1,400 laid-off Meta workers in Lake Union.

After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.

Future Millionaires Tax payers panicked about how they’re ever going to afford their fifth home if they have to one day pay a 9% tax on all annual income over $1 million were assured today that all they have to do is cut back on a few lattes.

This week a Seattle judge who ordered the man that threw a rock at an endangered monk seal return to Hawaii for court also ordered the general public to know this piece of shit is from Covington, not Seattle.

After people across the nation shamed his neighborhood out of blocking helicopters carrying sick kids from landing at Seattle Children’s, today $18 million waterfront mansion owner Bill McDickerson said he just wishes there was some way to not live next to a noisy hospital.

To keep Laurelhurst residents from ever having to hear helicopters transporting sick kids directly to the hospital, today the entire community was airlifted to permanent safety one mile away from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington.

A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying kids in critical condition from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.

After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other, today the U.S. and Iran have reportedly agreed to an alternating weekly schedule of war/ceasefire.

Fury took over the city of Seattle this week after its “White Female Mamdani” mayor, Katie Wilson, was caught blowing precious taxpayer dollars on a giant, 60-foot-long personal limousine with its own dedicated lanes of traffic.

Inspired by President Donald Trump’s genius tactic to increase his safety against all sworn enemies, today a rural armed militia on the border of Eastern Washington and Idaho has already converted its compound into a gilded ballroom.

After reckoning with the unsustainability of keeping an airline financially afloat if jet fuel prices keep skyrocketing with no end in sight, today sources confirmed Alaska Airlines is preparing to pivot to dog sledding just in case the whole airline industry thing doesn’t work out.

After agreeing they were all unusually hungry for some reason, Mariners fans heading to the game today on the ferry collectively opted for the $8 nacho upgrade.

A recent tidepooling study revealed today that local beach water has tested positive for Viagra.

A flock of Canada geese looking to relax and picnic on a local park lawn today said they couldn’t believe how much crap humans left all over the grass.

To the unexpected delight of people across the Seattle area, Wednesday afternoon the most precious waterspout tornado adorably tried to scare them while they were in the middle of paying their hard-earned money to a fascist regime run by genocidal pedophiles.

Before Rory McIlroy could even enjoy his historic Masters championship win for 24 hours, today President Donald Trump upstaged the golf tournament winner’s victory lap with what people are saying is the most perfect golf stroke in history.

In a completely tragic accident, today a drone using AI to target and take down the nation’s greatest security threat has mistakenly blown up the White House.

After getting stuck painfully throbbing up in the air for four straight hours today, the Seattle Department of Transportation admitted they had to call a doctor to get the bridge back down and working normally again.

Fife unveiled their brand-new tourism campaign today after a savvy young city official stumbled upon a revolutionary new slogan, Fife: Last Chance To Pee Before Tacoma Dome Traffic.

After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.

After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.

After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.

President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.

This week Lynnwood became the first city in the state of Washington to officially terminate its contract with Flock and remove all its cameras to better protect the identities of everyone who has to live in Lynnwood.

Big oof:

After sexist locker-room talk led to a contentious week between the US Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, today the Women’s and Seattle Torrent Team Captain Hilary Knight said she has accepted an invitation to smooth things over by knocking the rest of Jack Hughes’ teeth out.

After sexist locker-room talk led to a contentious week between the US Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, today the Women’s and Seattle Torrent Team Captain Hilary Knight said she has accepted an invitation to smooth things over by knocking the rest of Jack Hughes’ teeth out.

Archive link: https://archive.ph/wCA64

it’s sort of criminal that we don’t learn in school how buildings are made, even a little. if my parents hadn’t both worked construction I wouldn’t even know the little I know. this is one area where newer building codes may have driven up the cost of construction, but with the result that the flimsiest tackiest new development should have you sleeping soundly where seismic guidelines are concerned.