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Court Martial Proceedings Agains Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn

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Court martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man, as well as having a brief fling with a second airman, and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, "A sexual predator." While her commanding officer called her a, quote, "Lying sex addict." Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
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Psychiatrist Kurt Freund Passed Away

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Psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world's leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal, passed away last week at the age of eighty-two. Dr. Freund's last words were, quote, "Whatever happens to me, could someone please make sure that the headline of my obituary does not contain the phrase "deviant sexual arousal?"
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Arnold Schwarzenegger Denies Being The Father of a 12 Year Old Girl

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Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger is vehemently denying accusations that he is the father of a twelve year old girl living in Texas. You know, it's hard to believe, Arnold. You know? Especially considering that THIS, is a picture of the girl.
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President Clinton Vows to Keep HIV Positive Soldiers In The Military

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Speaking out against the new Pentagon policy, President Clinton has vowed to keep HIV-positive soldiers in the military. Many in Congress had wanted them discharged, arguing that their presence in the armed forces will make our enemies afraid to fight wars with us.
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Ricki Lake Is An Animal Lover

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Ricki Lake, you know, she really is an animal lover. She has three cats, two dogs, and a big ass that follows her around everywhere.
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New Development In The OJ Civil Trial

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A new development in the O.J. Simpson civil trial this week. According to sworn testimony, Nicole Brown Simpson had told her therapist that she was afraid of getting beaten by O.J. Simpson. Asked why he didn't report this earlier, the therapist said, "I was afraid of getting beaten by O.J. Simpson."
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A Celebrated Hollywood Surgeon Is Accused

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A celebrated Hollywood cosmetic surgeon, whose clients include Michael Jackson, Phyllis Diller, and Joan Rivers, has been accused of fondling patients while they were under anesthesia. The case has legal experts wondering... who is the REAL victim here?
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Carnival Airlines Offering Free Flights

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In honor of this year's Academy Awards, Carnival Airlines is offering anyone named "Oscar" a free flight to or from Los Angeles. The airline had tried a similar promotion in the past for the Tony Awards but, according to an airline spokesman, they found that their planes were packed with too many, quote, "greasy Italians."
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Oscars Get a Free Flight

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After Space Jam's smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently, there is still some money in the world that he hasn't got yet.
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President Clinton's Bagel

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A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the President ordered from room service, but never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised... While the President never actually ate the bagel, he did have, quote, "relations" with it.
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ExtraTERRORestrial Ride To Be Scarier

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Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride, "The ExtraTERRORestrial", to be shut down until it can be made scarier. When the attraction reopens in two weeks, it will be exactly the same - but missing six bolts.
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Dr. Jack Kevorkian Helps A Woman Commit Suicide

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There was outrage in Detroit this week, when Doctor Jack Kevorkian helped a woman commit suicide in a local church, leaving her body inside the church building. According to Kevorkian, murdering people in his van has almost completely lost its sense of blasphemy.
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Magic Johnson Rejoins The Lakers

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Last week, basketball legend Magic Johnson rejoined the Los Angeles Lakers, four years after learning he was HIV-positive. NBA doctors have assured the league's players that they have absolutely nothing to worry about. As long as when they are guarding Magic, they remember not to have sex with him.
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Genetically Altered Mice

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After years of research, a team of biologists has succeeded in altering the genetic structure of mice, to create a new breed of larger, hairier, more violently aggressive mice. They call their new creation "the rat."
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US Tobacco Industry Donates a Portion of Sales

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The U.S. Tobacco Company has announced that between now and December 31, it will donate a portion of its sales - at least one million dollars - to the National Volunteer Fire Council. In return, U.S. Tobacco asks that, for the rest of the year, everyone pretend that cigarettes don't cause cancer.
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Attention To The Cause Of Battered Women

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According to a Senate Committee on violence, Denise Brown has done more to bring attention to the cause of battered women than any other person. Well... ALMOST any other person... (Up pops a picture of Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson)
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Elton John Continues To Deny Rumors

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Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.
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Cocaine In A 2nd Grader's Backpack

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Police in Newnan, Georgia discovered thirty-five bags of cocaine in the backpack of a second grader yesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious when the boy began showing up to school in a stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers.
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Interview With FAA Administrator

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In an interview last week, administrator of the F.A.A., David R. Hinson, explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird.
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President Clinton's Second Innaugaration

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Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar De la Renta. Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble. And Attorney General Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big and Tall.
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Museum Makes Effort At Racial Reconciliation

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In Norwich, Connecticut, a local museum has made a long-overdue effort at racial reconciliation, by returning twenty-one ancient tribal artifacts to the Mohegan Indians. But as for everything else in the country... we'll be keeping that.
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United Artists Cinema Agreed To Make 300 Theaters More Accessible

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Last week, the United Artists Cinema chain agreed to make three hundred of its theaters more accessible to people with disabilities. Also, disabled patrons will no longer have to buy an extra ticket for their wheelchair.
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OJ Simpson Got Custody of His Kids

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This week, a California newspaper revealed that O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children mainly because a court-ordered psychological test showed that he is "a loving father." It should be noted, however, that the same test also showed that he was "a loving husband."
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Disney Releases a Rapping Mickey Mouse CD

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This week Disney released a new CD, featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single, "Cat Killer.
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A New Entertainment Weekly Poll

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Well, according to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, seventy-two percent of their readers say they would not be offended if a TV show lead character were gay. Though that figure shrinks to one percent when these same readers are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex.
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The Play "Hiroshima" Opened in New York City

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The play "Hiroshima" ', a tribute to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack, who attended the premiere, called the play, quote, "the most horrifying experience of my life."
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OJ Simpson Defends Marlon Brando

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In England, where he spoke at Oxford University, O.J. Simpson defended actor Marlon Brando's criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, "You're not helping!"
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A New Airport For San Diego

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A new airport planned for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the Pacific Ocean, built on forty-by-twenty foot floating cylinders. It's all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.
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OJ Manning A Lemonade Stand

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In Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied "beats me". And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.
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Crime Is Down In New York City

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Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New York City, with only three hundred and eighty-four murders so far this year. ONLY three hundred and eighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that's still three hundred and seven too many.
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8 Year Old Takes The Wheel

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And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive.
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Tenth Annual List of Dangerous Christmas Toys

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The New York Public Interest Research Group has unveiled its tenth annual list of dangerous toys for the upcoming Christmas season. Topping the list this year? Baby's first circular saw.
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Winnie Mandela Removed From The New Government

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This week in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the new government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mister Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.
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Airline Passenger Complaints Have Risen

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Airline travelers' complaints have risen twenty-two percent over the last year. The single most common complaint was, "They lost my baggage." Followed closely by "I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash."
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Anna Nicole Smith Files For Bankruptcy

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And finally, in entertainment news, ex-Playboy centerfold Anna Nicole Smith has filed for bankruptcy. And saddest of all, she slept with THIS guy. For NOTHING!
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George Foreman's Upcoming Biography

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George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration to every American who has tried to reach the impossible dream. And in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says that he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man.
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Latrell Sprewell Has Hired Johnnie Cochran

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Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnny Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said that his client did NOT choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers.
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More Bad News For Bill Clinton

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Well, more bad news for Bill Clinton. This week, an appellate court ruled that Paula Jones can proceed with her sexual harassment suit against the President. Jones' suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter, during which she alleges that then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself. She is seeking seven hundred thousand dollars in damages: One hundred thousand dollars for trauma after seeing the Governor's penis, and three hundred thousand dollars for each thigh.
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Boxer Tommy Morrison Comes Out of Retirement

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Boxer Tommy Morrison, who is HIV-positive, has announced plans to come out of retirement for one last fight. When asked about the possible health risks that his opponents face, Morrison said, "They might get AIDS."
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Kenny G Sets A World Record

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Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for forty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play DIFFERENT saxophone notes for forty-five minutes.
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Monopoly Turns 60

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The game Monopoly turned sixty years old this week. You know, things were so much simpler back then. When people traveled around by hat. Or thimble. Those were the days.
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670 Pound Swindler Sentenced to House Arrest

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In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs six hundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to house arrest, because he is too big for prison. According to prison officials, it took four inmates just to rape him.
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Thomas Hennessy Awarded His High School Diploma

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In Connecticut this week, Glastonbury High awarded Thomas Hennessy his high school diploma at the age of one hundred and two. Way to go, Thomas. (the audience applauds) In today's world, you know, without a diploma, you've got no future, really, you know? So good for him.
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OJ Simpson Says That Nicole Used To Beat Him Up

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It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.
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Pot Use In High School Is Up Sharply

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A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. (he reaches down, and pulls out huge handfuls of money.) Don'tI know it. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh.
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A Sad Story From Britain This Week

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Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According to the Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recently broken into his family estate in search of souvenirs from Princess Diana's grave. But the Earl says he knows just how to protect the site: Landmines!
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Border Patrol Agents In Tucson, Arizona Will Double

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Over the next two months, the number of Border Patrol Agents in Tucson, Arizona will double, to forty-nine. Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady, at one hundred million billion.
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Hillary Clinton Speaks In Australia

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Speaking in Australia this week, about the problems of being America's First Lady, Hillary Clinton joked, quote, "Perhaps I'II walk around with a bag over my head when I come out into public, and have no opinions, and never express them publicly or privately." To which the President replied, "Yes! Yes! Oh God, Yes!!!"
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Bob Dole's Struggling Campaign

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Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey, vowing, in his words, "To prove Yogi Berra was right, when he said "It aint over 'til it's over." Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, "It's over."
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OJ Simpson Marketing A Video

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In an effort to raise money for his enormous legal bills, O.J. Simpson this week began marketing a video which attempts to prove his innocence. Should the tape not sell, Simpson has a backup idea: His very own video of the actual murders themselves!
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Yoko Ono Tears Up A Bible

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While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible. Most shocking of all? Yoko Ono performed TO A PACKED AUDIENCE.
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Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey Dies

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Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday, at the age of eighty-three. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace. Until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of years.
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Marv Albert Accepts A Plea Bargain

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This Thursday, in an Arlington, Virginia courtroom, sportscaster Marv Albert accepted a plea bargain in his trial on forcible sodomy charges. This, following revelations of Albert's compulsion for biting women, three-way sex, and wearing panties and garters. Said Albert about his decision, quote, "at least I've still got my dignity."
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Yasser Arafat Announced This Week That His Wife Is Pregnant

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PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that his wife is pregnant. The happy couple said they really don't care if the child is a boy or girl, just as long as it hates Jews.
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5000 Disabled Americans Protest In Washington DC

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Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were in Washington last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all five thousand disabled people fought over two handicapped parking spaces.
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Frank Sinatra Bets With His Daughter Tina

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Eighty-year-old Frank Sinatra, recovering from a bout of pneumonia, was apparently well enough last Saturday to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would beat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay the ten dollars. Although later, he had his people rough her up and take back the money.
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Micheal Jackson & Debbie Rowe Become Parents

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On Wednesday, Michael Jackson and wife Debbie Rowe became the proud parents of a seven pound, ten ounce baby boy. Asked about the baby's appearance, a family spokesman said he has Debbie's eyes, LaToya's mouth, and one of Michael's noses. (A decent laugh from the crowd here. Although they don't realize that Norm is simply setting them up for the second, much bigger punchline...) And according to his dad, the three day old boy is a regular chip off the old block. In fact, he has already molested a one day old boy.
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Israeli Security Forces Round Up Suspects

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Israeli security forces have rounded up over one hundred and fifty suspects in last week's suicide bombings. Suspects in the suicide bombings, huh? Well here's a hint: Look for the dead guys.
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Don Mattingly Might Be Headed To Japan

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In baseball news, Yankee captain Don Mattingly may be headed for Japan. Sources say that's he excited about the chance to play overseas, particularly in a league where he would have the biggest hog.
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"Wrong Way" Corrigan Dies

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"Wrong Way" Corrigan, the man who once flew all the way to Ireland by mistake, died this week at the age of eighty-eight. "It was just like him," said his wife, "He was trying to live."
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Female Fish Develop Male Sex Organs

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In northern Florida, refuse from a paper mill has caused female fish to develop male sex organs. And in a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno.
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OJ Simpson Is Running Out of Money

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To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that... If he had to do it over again, after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.
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Richard Gere's Appearance On Oprah

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And finally, when Richard Gere made his first appearance recently on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the two got along famously. But all that may change when the actor hears about this month's Oprah Winfrey Book Club selection. It's called "What Really Happened" by Richard Gere's gerbil.
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Mississippi Abolishes Slavery

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One hundred and thirty years after the Civil War, the state of Mississippi has FINALLY voted to abolish slavery. Representatives say they would have liked to have done it sooner, but... uh... they were delayed due to some awfully big cotton crops.
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Historic Irish Peace Agreement Signed

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Well, there's good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?
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Condom Use Is Way Up

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According to a new survey, condom use is way up. Also way up? Complicated, clumsy, unsatisfying sex.
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Potential OJ Jurors Fill Out A Questionnaire

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Potential jurors for the O. J. Simpson case were asked to fill out a seventy-five page jury questionnaire this week. In the entire state of California, only one person got a perfect score: Chow Ming Woo, who after the trial plans to attend Cal Tech.
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California Man Sues McDonald's

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A California man has sued McDonald's, claiming he contracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches. McDonald's disputes his charge, but the man insists, quote, "That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I'm a male prostitute."
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Defense Suffers A Setback in 2nd OJ Trial

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In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial, when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial.
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Cincinnati Woman Sues For Sexual Assault

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This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalities sued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrown out when two of her personalities said that she may have consented. You know folks, where I come from, "No No No No No Yes Yes No No" means No!
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Peanut Advisory Board

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With peanut consumption in the United States down ten percent, the Peanut Advisory Board has decided to launch a six hundred thousand dollar publicity campaign. Most of the funds will go towards spreading ugly rumors about almonds and cashews.
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Hackers Broke Into Yahoo

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This week computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, the internet's most popular website, and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not released from prison. Experts warn that catching these cyber-terrorists will not be an easy task, and may require the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks.
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An Official Apology from President Clinton

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The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a forty-year old federal study, which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will get an official apology from President Clinton. According to the President, quote, "If not for the sacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alive today."
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Kato Kaelin On Rivera Live

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Yesterday, on "Rivera Live", ', Kato Kaelin made the startling admission that he now thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty. Although authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Kato to crash at Fred Goldman's place for a while.
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Ellen Degeneres & Anne Hecht Want To Have A Baby

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In entertainment news, Ellen Degeneres and lover Anne Heche have announced that they want to have a baby. However, their plan has hit a snag They are both women.
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Disney's Time Square Entertainment Complex

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The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build a three hundred million dollar hotel and entertainment complex in New York's Times Square. Construction begins next spring on their first attraction: Crack Whores of the Caribbean.
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Tickle Me Elmo

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And finally, the number-one selling doll this Christmas is "Tickle Me Elmo." And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.
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Hunting Licenses For The Blind

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Under a new law passed by the state assembly, effective next year Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This, after years of relentless lobbying... by deer.
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Gary Kasparov vs. Deep Blue

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On Wednesday, world chess champion Garry Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two hundred million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six-game series. Earlier in the week, Kasparov admitted he committed a catastrophic blunder in game two, when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to E8. Opting instead for a Caro-Kann Defense, that soon transposed into a Pribyl defense. Which, after Deep Blue moved bishop to E7, gave him the advantage with his Knight position. With all due respect to Mister Kasparov... what the hell were you thinking?!?
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Stedman Graham's New Book

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Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a new book, called "You Can Make it Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success." Step number one? Become Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend.
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President Clinton's State of the Union Address

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Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday's State of the Union Address. In which he'll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President's speech will be HUGE LIES.
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This Week In The OJ Simpson Trial

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This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept. It was at that moment that he realized... he would never be able to kill her again.
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Dr. Jack Kevorkian

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Doctor Jack Kevorkian was responsible for another death this week, this time a fifty-eight year old woman. She is the twenty-sixth of Kevorkian's patients to die since 1990. (Norm shakes his head sadly, in disgust) When are people going to realize? He is NOT a good doctor!
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Kenny G Christmas Album

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Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!
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Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson

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Last week, Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson visited the Big Apple and showed off her fourteen-pound weight loss. Hopefully this will not interfere with her official duties of sitting on her fat ass all day long.
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George Burns' 100th Birthday

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And now, Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned one hundred years old today. X (We get a long round of cheers and applause from the audience.) You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.
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San Francisco Birthday Party

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In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures - attended by the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors - culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
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Magic Johnson Suspended

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In basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined ten thousand dollars for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
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FBI Releases Sketch of the The Unabomber

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The FBI released this sketch of the man known as The Unabomber this week. And authorities immediately issued an arrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic.
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OJ Simpson's Lawyers Skipping Hearings

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O.J. Simpson's lawyers have decided to skip hearings on DNA evidence, and go right to trial. Asked why they did this, the lawyers replied, "We want to get OJ acquitted as speedily as possible, so he can get back to doing what he does best: Killing people."
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Marge Schott

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Is Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott an anti-Semite? Well, it is beginning to look that way. According to a report out today, on the entire Cincinnati Reds team, there is not one Jewish player.
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Madonna Plays Evita

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Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna. According to its producers, the film is one hundred percent historically accurate - except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.
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The Dead Sea Scrolls

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Doctor William A. Moffett, the world's leading authority on the Dead Sea Scrolls, died this week at age sixty-two. The cause of death? THE CURSE OF THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS.
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Cancelled Hiroshima Stamp

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The U.S. Postal Service this week cancelled plans for a stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. They will instead release a different stamp. Here it is. Hopefully people will find it less offensive, that one.
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Julia Roberts & Lyle Lovett

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Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
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The WNBA

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The WNBA officially expanded to ten teams this week, adding franchises in Detroit and Washington, D. C. X But before you get too excited about the new additions to the league, remember: all of the players are still women.
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Red Wine Pill

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Researchers have developed a so-called "red wine pill", which gives all the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah, it's called a grape.
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German Shepherds

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Last year, German Shepherds were rated the nation's most effective police dogs by far. Sniffing out more than one hundred million dollars worth of illegal drugs. (pauses, turns to face the side camera.) ... or so the German Shepherds would have us believe.
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Best & Worst Jobs

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Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. Their three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive. While their worst, for the third year in a row... Crack Whore.
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Native Americans Protest The World Series

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Angry over the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians' use of caricatures as logos, Native Americans showed up at the World Series tonight. They chanted for hours to protest Indian stereotypes. Though it didn't help their cause any when it... uh... started to rain.
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