bill clinton

Court Martial Proceedings Agains Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn

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Court martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man, as well as having a brief fling with a second airman, and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, "A sexual predator." While her commanding officer called her a, quote, "Lying sex addict." Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
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President Clinton Vows to Keep HIV Positive Soldiers In The Military

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Speaking out against the new Pentagon policy, President Clinton has vowed to keep HIV-positive soldiers in the military. Many in Congress had wanted them discharged, arguing that their presence in the armed forces will make our enemies afraid to fight wars with us.
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President Clinton's Bagel

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A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the President ordered from room service, but never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised... While the President never actually ate the bagel, he did have, quote, "relations" with it.
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President Clinton's Second Innaugaration

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Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar De la Renta. Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble. And Attorney General Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big and Tall.
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Winnie Mandela Removed From The New Government

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This week in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the new government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mister Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.
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More Bad News For Bill Clinton

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Well, more bad news for Bill Clinton. This week, an appellate court ruled that Paula Jones can proceed with her sexual harassment suit against the President. Jones' suit is based on a 1991 hotel room encounter, during which she alleges that then-Governor Clinton dropped his pants and exposed himself. She is seeking seven hundred thousand dollars in damages: One hundred thousand dollars for trauma after seeing the Governor's penis, and three hundred thousand dollars for each thigh.
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Hillary Clinton Speaks In Australia

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Speaking in Australia this week, about the problems of being America's First Lady, Hillary Clinton joked, quote, "Perhaps I'II walk around with a bag over my head when I come out into public, and have no opinions, and never express them publicly or privately." To which the President replied, "Yes! Yes! Oh God, Yes!!!"
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An Official Apology from President Clinton

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The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a forty-year old federal study, which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will get an official apology from President Clinton. According to the President, quote, "If not for the sacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alive today."
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President Clinton's State of the Union Address

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Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday's State of the Union Address. In which he'll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President's speech will be HUGE LIES.
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A Report From Kenneth Starr

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Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clinton killed Vince Foster, a report out this week from independent counsel Kenneth Starr has officially concluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Among other things, the report cites evidence that Foster was deeply depressed in the days leading up to his death. Although the report does concede... Foster was deeply depressed because President Clinton was trying to murder him.
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President Clinton Comes Out Against Same-Sex Marriage

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At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages. What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
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Tony Danza On Tom Snyder

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On Tom Snyder this week, actor Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful. On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded, "Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!"
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President Clinton Vetoes A Republican Bill

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Last week, President Clinton vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget. And he used a pen that belonged to former President Lyndon Johnson. Clinton has also been working his way through John F. Kennedy's vast supply of condoms.
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A Frightening Moment for Hillary Clinton

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A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The President was said to be furious. And demanded an immediate investigation, of what went wrong with "Operation Frayed Wire."
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The White House Is An Empty Nest

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Well, the White House is an empty nest this week, following Chelsea Clinton's departure to begin studies at Stanford University. A wistful President Clinton says that while it's difficult to see his daughter grow up, at least now he'll feel less guilty about hitting on her friends.
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Madeline Albright As The First Female Secretary of State

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This week, President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline Albright to be the first female Secretary of State. Responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice, the President insisted, quote, "She looks a lot better after a couple of drinks."
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Shannon Lucid Back On Earth

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Our top story tonight... astronaut Shannon Lucid, back on Earth after a record six months in space, was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton. Said the President, quote, "This is just the beginning. One day we'll be able to send an American into space indefinitely. And I hope it's a woman." (cut to a picture of Bill Clinton's wife, Hillary)
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Jim & Susan McDugal

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Despite pressure, jailed Whitewater swindlers Jim and Susan McDougal are still refusing to testify about President Clinton's role in the scandal. And some are charging that the President has secretly promised them a pardon in return for their silence. Well, in a candid interview this week, the President admitted that he might consider pardoning the two. But only after making, quote, "every effort" to have them killed in prison.
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President Clinton Berated By A Tourist

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While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker. Who shouted at him, quote, "You're a draft-dodging yellow-bellied liar, and you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender, and to this nation." And then added, "I'm still going to vote for you."
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Paula Jones' Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

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This week, in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton asked that the sexual harassment suit brought by Paula Jones be delayed until he leaves office. According to Clinton's attorney, quote, "If the President were hauled into court every time some nut accused him of sexual harassment, he'd have no time to scare up tail."
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President Clinton

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Here we see President Clinton, looking for something, ANYthing, to hug besides his wife.
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Hidden Tax Breaks

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Today, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republican lawmakers said, "Shhhh!"
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President Clinton's Knee Operation

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Yesterday President Clinton underwent a two-hour operation to repair damage to his knee, suffered in a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of professional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprised to hear that the two were on friendly terms, since Greg Norman had once threatened that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again, he'd smash his kneecap with a five iron.
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Pressure on Attorney General Janet Reno

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With the release of over one hundred hours of videotape of President Clinton and campaign fundraisers, the pressure continues to mount on Attorney General Janet Reno to name an independent counsel to investigate the President. In addition, some senators are said to be furious that instead of watching the videotapes, Reno has been taping over them with episodes of Xena, Warrior Princess.
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Impeachment Proceedings Against President Clinton

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On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republican congressmen formally asked the House Judiciary Committee whether there is sufficient evidence to begin impeachment proceedings against President Clinton. In response, the President said, quote, "Hey, you know who would have the answer to that question? Vince Foster.
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Presidents Playing Golf

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This week, President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball, giving her a broken nose and ten stitches. But, uh, don't be impressed. It took him five strokes to do it.
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Winnie Mandela Removed From The New Government

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This week in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the new government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mister Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.
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